It's getting worse. This whatever inside me. I just had a smaller argument with Donnie and now I don't want to be in the same area as him because he's blind to what I try and tell him. All the time. We literally keep going in a circle and I don't know how to break out of it. When I try, it's like he drags me back into it. I love him to death, but everything inside of me is saddening every time he looks at me with his eyes and he doesn't see what's going on. I try and tell him, but he doesn't listen. He sits on his phone and ignores me, and I know it isn't on purpose. He's not terrible. He's pretty wonderful when he's alert to what's going on around him. But he's always tired. Always exhausted. And he does it to himself and I tell him that. I'm exhausted a lot of the time too, but I know how to draw energy from nowhere, which is probably why I can sleep through anything at night. It's getting to the point where I'm doubting his love for me, even though I know he does love me like crazy. I think he doesn't show it. Or even say it. It feels like it's always me, and that freaking sucks. I also can't help the feeling he'd be better off without me.
And the craziest thing...
Books tend to show you who you really are as you write them. The problems you have in your actual life work their way in like a parasite into your books organs and, if you don't have a keen eye like I tend to have when I look at what I wrote, you won't notice it. But these chapters for Sameness... the main character's thoughts are literally how I'm feeling, which feels utterly strange to me. When I wrote Trapped, I realized Murkas was like a personified idea of the troubles I had with my mom at the time and Eenie was everything stored inside of me while I was excluded at the new school I'd moved to.
You probably have no idea what I'm talking about, lol. Sorry. I just needed to talk to someone, even if it's a phone screen.
I'm okay. I just... guess I'll be using this book a lot more for ranting than anything else. I understand if you don't want to even glance at this book's notifications anymore.
I have cheesetots from Sonic now, so I feel better. And a blue-raspberry-and-cherry slush. So everything's peachy-keen at the moment.
Terrified to go home and face my problems,