I was told I grow too attached to people and things. But since when is that a bad thing? Yes, it hurts when they leave or when they stab you in the back, but our bodies and minds and spirits were created to heal. Maybe we can't regenerate a lost limb or repair something beyond saving, but we heal.
My whole life I moved. My dad chased jobs as a mechanic and was in the military so we went wherever we were told. If I never grew attached to those I did, I wouldn't have been able to cope.
I remember feeling sick when I had to leave people behind or when they left me for whatever reasons. I remember crying until it hurt. Despite those sad times, there's nothing I would do to change them. Pain is for a moment, but sometimes it lingers. I hate that I had to leave my friends over and over, and I hate that I don't speak to them because I don't think they'll remember me or because maybe I didn't mean as much to them as they did to me. Instead, I see them on social media, living their lives, and I'm so happy for them.
I look at it this way: if I didn't grow attached, I'd be in the opposite position: detached. I'd be alone. Even the guys that broke my heart or that made me feel terrible or that made me feel like I couldn't breathe without them, I wouldn't change our encounters. Everyone who has been in my life has set me on a different path, and I believe it was supposed to be that way.
Long story short, I'm glad I grow too attached. I cry during movies and I smile at past friends as they live their lives without me. I wouldn't change a day or a single person that has ever crossed paths with me. I want to grow too attached. Because that's what life is. "You never know what you have until it's gone." "It's better to have loved than lost."
We are human. We grow close to things that shouldn't matter or people we don't know. That's what being human is: holding on to what we have now because tomorrow it could be gone.
You never realize how far you've come until you look at where you've been.
I was looking through all the pictures o my Facebook. High school and middle school sure were simpler times. You had crushes and you tried to pass your test. You had friends and you had enemies. I can just remember how it used to be and it feels like it happened so long ago.
In June, I graduated four years ago.
In August, I'll be married two years.
I thought I knew who I was and where I was, and I operated on a completely different thinking level. Everything that was or will be was there and then for me. Sometimes I spoke without thinking or leaped without looking, but I don't mind seeing those as good things because I never meant to cause any harm with any of that. I can recall periods of times I went off the deep end because I felt like my world was caving in. My heart was broken or my head was dubious and all I could do was fall. In those moments, I'm glad I had friends like Mercedez', Leeanne, Hailey, Lacee, Ladyjane, Molly, April, Jelsy, Scarlett, Kaytee, Kamii, and everyone else in the little groups I ended up meshing with in school. Without them, I wouldn't be who I am today.
Today might be a struggle to stay awake. Today might be a challenge to keep my accounts in the positive. But today is always a day for countless opportunities saturated with optimism. I can't control everyone else but I can control myself. So today I'm going to make the best of the time I have. I'm going to sing like I've never sung and smile like I've seen heaven because we never know who could be having one of those days where everything is pressing in on their chest and making it hard to breathe.
I can't change tomorrow, but I'm going to change today so that when I look back, I can feel what I feel now: happiness with no regrets.
I've come a long way.
There was a time I did not exist. A time where the world didn't have me in it. It didn't have my cats in it. It didn't have my husband in it.
There are times I wish I could change, things about me I wish were less embarrassing. I wish I could speak to people without sounding like a dweeb. I wish I didn't fall as many times as I did. I wish I still spoke to people who used to be my best friends.
I wish I was good or even great at something. There's a lot of things I can do, but that doesn't mean I can do them well. I wish I could move a crowd with my voice or bring change to someone's heart through my words, but I know that is something I can't do, especially in the day and age where everyone is offended by everything. I wish I could close my eyes and no one could see me, like we believed when we were little. Yet at the same time I want to show the world what God has given me the gift to do.
But I exist now. I may not get another tomorrow. All I have is now. So right now, I'm going to do what I love and say what I mean. I'm going to screw up and fall down until my knees bleed. I may not be extraordinary, but right now I'm the best I can be because I may not get another second. And I can't get the ones I've lost back.
I had a dream the other night about someone who changed my life forever. Sometimes, I wonder if I changed theirs. Honestly, I don't think I'll ever know. And I'm okay with that. Because I am better off where I am then where I was and that is what matters.
I exist today, so today is the time for my voice to be heard, even if it is insignificant to a thousand people. If my words can touch just one person... then I can stop existing tomorrow knowing someone's mind was tilted.