This post won't be about updates or free books. This chapter isn't light, but rather heavy. So if you're here for the free stuff and the memes I post at the top of the chapters, you can probably just skip this one. Heck, all of you can skip this one. I just... need to share with someone. Because I have no one.
My family is always there for me. So is Donnie. They're supportive, sure. They let me speak to them, of course. But... listening isn't a forte. Not really listening. Heeding. They hear what I say and move on. Or they hear what I say and over-analyze it and take it the wrong way, spinning it around on someone else or making themselves the victim. And the suckiest thing about all this is I have the gift of words... only no one wants to ingest them or take them into consideration.
I read once somewhere that the happiest people are often the saddest inside. That sentence is one big-booty puzzle piece to me that no one seems to get. My family doesn't like that I write dark things, but that's because it's where I am. Strangled with darkness while clinging to the light, begging God will get me out when it's my doing and I need to unbutton myself. Because no one else on this earth will.
The man I want to be with the rest of my life has reading problems and refuses forward my books because it's a challenge. The second closest person I've ever been to lives in the next state, and I can't breathe without her here. The person I grew up with hates me and doesn't trust me because of something she did, and she's the only one that I know who's read any of my books, but is unable to support me for who-knows-what, not wanting to read my books or hear my music, when I just want to share it with someone who means more to me than... than I mean to myself.
My mom is afraid of reading my books because they're filled with strong emotions and she's in menopause and she's scared she'll have a mood-swing. Everyone else has an excuse. Sure, it was fine during the first few months of me doing this, but now... now the excuse is getting old. My cat, Bo... it feels like he's the only one that understands, believe it or not. He senses it, just as all the other cats that grew close to me could. He'll lay with me and give me love.
I feel so alone.
I feel like God is standing behind me, shining his light onto all I can do, and there's no one there to share it with. I feel so alone.
I love everyone I mentioned, and if any of them read this, please don't bring it up. I know it's a bit counter active, but... I'd like to think you figured it out on your own. People are so engaged with the worlds their phones can reach, or with the longing approval and pleasure from everyone else... that they don't see the people who want to interact with you face-to-face, the people that think you're swell, and all you've done is be their friend or their family. Sometimes you're the only thing they have that's keeping their sadness away.
And for everyone else, look at your friends. Don't make them spell it out for you. The sadness in people like me is always there, hiding in the dull glistens in their eyes, in the way they shrivel up when a conversation is turned on them, when they make a joke and no one laughs... sure, once could just be once for something like that. But how about one-hundred times? Or being blown off by the only people you set out to keep in your life? What happens when they feel like a nuisance?
That's me, every day.
Every day since I can remember. And it's only gotten worse. I almost wish I wasn't as intuitive and that I couldn't read body language or speech patterns as well as I do, because then I wouldn't have to hide behind a mask. But I'm glad I can see these things, these things no one else notices. Because if I didn't, perhaps the world would never change.
Thank you for listening. If you'd like to say anything about yourself or someone else in a polite manor, don't be afraid. Speaking of something will help in the long run, trust me. What good can something do, and what changes can be brought about, if the problem that only gets worse is pushed to the side forever?
The answer is it can't.
So share. If you don't want people to read, please post DON'T READ above your comment. If anyone comments on it, I will delete it, only if you ask me to. I will respect your decisions and will or won't read at your instruction.
Don't keep pain to yourself, but share it, because chances are, you're really not alone.